I don’t ask a lot from you, dear readers, but I’m asking you for this: PLEASE vote to waterboard Glenn Beck.

On his show today, the “liberal media’s” Beck attacked former torture victim John McCain (R-AZ) over his contention that waterboarding isn’t torture, claiming that McCain is “dead wrong”. That started a discussion of whether Beck or either of his sidekicks, Stu and Dan, would agree to be waterboarded.

GLENN: I think we need to find somebody who is willing to be water boarded by professionals and show if it's torture or not.

DOM: Can we do it to Stu?

GLENN: Is that a dream come true or what? Stu?

DOM: Would Stu go for it?

STU: No, I'm not going to be tortured.

GLENN: It's not torture.

STU: Oh, that's right, it's not torture.

GLENN: Wait a minute, you are the one that's been telling me beat the drum, waterboarding's not torture.

STU: I would say that's true, you are accurate. I don't want to be interrogated. How about that.

I think everyone who says that waterboarding isn’t torture should be waterboarded. After all, if it isn’t torture, what’s the big deal? I’d be happy to go through anything that I didn’t believe was torture, otherwise I’d be a hypocrite and/or coward. Here’s an example:

Q: DJK, do you believe that watching American Idol is torture?

DJK: No, while watching American Idol is an extremely unpleasant experience, I do not believe it constitutes torture.

Q: Would you be willing to watch American Idol to prove it?

DJK: Yes, despite my dislike for American Idol, I am willing to watch it to prove I’m not a hypocrite or torturer. Fire up the Tivo.

Is that so hard? Why is it that the only republican who will say waterboarding is torture is the one republican who has actually been tortured? Sort of like how the only republican (Cheney) who is pro-gay marriage actually has a gay daughter, and how Nancy Reagan broke from the conservative ranks to promote stem cell research because her husband might’ve actually been helped by stem cell therapy. You have to hand it to those “compassionate conservatives”. They really have compassion for themselves and their families. And no one else.

Apparently the only way to convince republicans to do what is morally right is to make them experience it first hand. So Greg Gutfeld, Bill O’Reilly, everyone at FOX, almost every republican candidate, and the rest of the republican party who still considers waterboarding to be a grey area should line up for it to ensure they aren’t talking out of their asses. I’m perfectly willing to watch American Idol, and I hate that shit.

And how about this: if waterboarding isn’t torture, why should it’s use be limited to hardcore terrorism suspects? Why shouldn’t it be used by police on average Americans? How about children? How about your family members? How about American soldiers? If it’s okay for the US to waterboard “enemy combatants”, it must be okay for those combatants to waterboard US soldiers. Because that’s exactly what we’re saying.