Our petition delivery to your offices and the resulting press it got (including #3 on Countdown that night) obviously got under your skin. Otherwise you wouldn't have had the story about it lead your show last Friday night. So we're back near the top of your enemies list, hopefully nestled in among George Soros, Media Matters, Twista, and falafel jokes.

So I'm assuming your interns will read this and summarize it for you, since I know you're not so fond of the internets. I know how much it scares you. I know how you don't like how it's been used to expose you as the fraud you are, so you try to convince your elderly audience that the internet is simply a den of liberal lies, pedophiles and porn. I know how much you must hate your audience to lie to them the way you do.   

That's the thing. I know a lot about you.

Like when I heard how your stalkerazzi "producer" Jesse Watters was badgering the vets at the petition delivery, asking them if they'd seen the clips of you saying that homeless veterans don't exist or if they were equally mad at Mark Cuban. When I heard that, I knew exactly what you would do. I even bet my friend dinner on it.

It's the same thing you did when Chris Dodd was on your show. He brought up the fact that you said that San Francisco deserves to be bombed by terrorists. Instead of acknowledging that you had indeed said that, you challenged him to tell you when and where he said it. When Dodd got the when right but not the where (your radio show, not your TV show), you lunged, saying that Dodd was wrong and didn't know what he was talking about. The important thing is YOU SAID SAN FRANCISCO SHOULD BE BOMBED BY TERRORISTS. The rest was a misdirect to convince the viewers you lie to so frequently.

You did the same thing with the vets. You smeared them as "confused" because they don't have cable and don't watch your crappy show. But they were right that you said they didn't exist. They were right that you owe them an apology. And you never said they were wrong. Just like with Dodd. You attacked them personally to try to humiliate them, but you never denied their claims. You tried to embarrass homeless veterans who correctly stated that you lied about them. You also didn’t tell your audience that the vets were delivering a 17,000-signature petition.

Pathetic, but expected. I saw it coming a mile away.

And you lied to your audience. Again. I know you hate them. You must think they're the stupidest people in the world. You couldn't possibly respect anyone you lie to so much. Like when you said that DailyKos was just like a Nazi website. Give me a break. Which Nazi web site? You could only make a claim that idiotic to people you thought were such morons that they would never visit DailyKos themselves, whether out of curiosity or to see if you were lying. Curiosity is an indicator of intelligence, and I can tell you think your audience has little of either.

Last Friday, you tried to make some big point of how the fact that there were not many people at our petition delivery was proof that we couldn't find vets to participate.

You idiot.

Our idea from the very start was that three to five veterans would deliver the petition. That's it. We never looked for more. It was a petition delivery, not a protest. Who told you that there would be more people than that? Not us. Where do you get your information? The same place that told you that lesbian gangs with pink pistols were overrunning America? The same place where black people are constantly swearing for their iced tea? The same place that told you there are no homeless veterans? You're just totally wrong, and you never tried to be right. Do you really think there aren’t more homeless vets pissed off about what you said? There are. I made the effort to meet them, even if you won’t.

You're a liar and a joke.

And you lied about Robert Greenwald. He's going strong and kicking ass. He made Outfoxed, the movie that marked the beginning of the end of FOX and your legitimacy, which now lies in tatters. Your network is a joke, except to a few dead enders like Dick Cheney and the rest of the republicans who still think Bush is doing a great job. Robert made Iraq for Sale, the movie that called out security contractors like Blackwater more than a year before they exemplified one of the Iraq war's worst, most expensive, and most corrupt fiascos. He made Wal-Mart, the movie that spawned hundreds of grassroots protests to block Wal-Marts from entering and destroying more communities.

Robert revolutionized independent film and the use of the online media that has made a mockery of Rupert Murdoch's propaganda outfit. Think about it — you are backed by the world's biggest, richest, most powerful media empire the world has ever seen, and a tiny office in LA and a loose confederation of interested citizens is completely discrediting you and making you wet yourself. If you weren't such a totalitarian, you'd be able to admit that that's pretty cool.

And people love Xanadu, which was recently released on DVD. Just go to Amazon.com and read the reviews. It's a cult classic, and the fact that people watch any movie nearly 30 years after its release is sign of affection and success — as well as the fact that Xanadu cost $20 million to make and grossed over $25 million (without counting rentals and DVD sales), hardly making it an all-time flop as you claimed on your show. And you’re probably not smart enough to know that Xanadu has recently been made into a Broadway musical. Has anything you’ve done been turned into a musical? I guess there was that opera where people sang excerpts of your creepy phone calls to Andrea Mackris’ from the sexual harassment suit she filed against you. I suppose you could count that.

I know all about you. I know what you're going to do before you do it. The only time I get it wrong is when I think you might actually show a modicum of decency, humility, or honesty. Guess that's what you get for being optimistic. I even have a good idea what your “big announcement” about homeless veterans will be tonight. My guess is that you’ll either announce a charitable fund for homeless vets or a campaign to pressure Congress to provide more money for homeless vets. All of this will be so you don’t have to actually apologize to the homeless vets you ignored and slandered or retract your idiotic remarks that homeless vets don’t exist and there aren’t many of them and pretend that you’re actually their champion. But the homeless vets I know won’t buy that. It might fool your viewers, but as you know, those people will buy anything.

You're nothing new. You're a reheated Morton Downey Jr. You’re Joseph McCarthy with a TV show. You used to proudly proclaim that you are a barbarian. You're not a barbarian. You're a Neanderthal. You're a caveman. That's nothing to be proud of. Cavemen weren't very smart. And they are extinct.