First, I'd like to congratulate Barack Obama on his wins in the past eight primaries for the democratic presidential nomination. I support Mr. Obama, and get chills thinking of him replacing that lying sack of guano we currently cringe against in the White House.

Second, I would like to address the fact that Senator Obama's presidential campaign finally seems to have figured out (after avoiding "pandering" to various minority groups) that reaching out to Latinos in Texas - a state that, according to the U.S. census bureau is 48 percent Latino - might be a good idea.

As many of us know, Obama's camp released a Spanish-language TV ad this week in Texas. It's a start. But it ain't good enough, for reasons listed in Numero Tres.

Third, I would like to tell Mr. Obama about Latino America's dirty little secret, at risk of humiliating Latinos coast to coast by outing the vast majority of them as the worst Spanish-speakers, ever.

Simply put: Most Latinos in the United States, contrary to public perception (brought to you care of the bow-tie dumbass US newsroom crowd) do NOT speak Spanish. At all.

Oh, we pretend we can speak Spanish, Mr. Obama. Many of us pretend. I cannot tell you how many Latino events I've been to, where one or another Latino luminary takes the stage in a glittery prom gown or too-short tuxedo and proceeds to butcher the Spanish language with the grace of a landlocked walrus with machete tusks. I can give you names. Names of famous people who think that just because their "bunuelos dias" fools whitey it can fool me. But I won't. And not because I'm nice like that. It's because it's too early in the day to start on another migraine.

Ah, yes. We Latinos pretend to speak Spanish because many of us are made to feel ashamed - by our own people (most of whom speak crap Spanish themselves)- for not speaking it. This happens because too many Americans, Latino and otherwise, still seem to believe that language and culture are passed down genetically. I like to call this mangled mothertongue "Chicanobonics".

You see, Mr. Obama, we are just as confused about ourselves as your campaign is about us. It's not your fault you decided to try to reach us in Spanish, when most of us don't speak the language well enough to write a Valentine's card to a dog in it. It's our fault. Because we continue to lie to ourselves, and you, and everyone else, thinking the lie makes us...special. In a country that marginalizes us otherwise at almost every turn. Hey, you gotta feel good about somethin', right? Even when it ain't true.

Most of the time? Those Latinos among us who masticate their Spanish in public, with the fangs of good intentions? They can get away with it. I have seen it. I have been it. In newsrooms, in boardrooms, the non-Latinos among us are always impressed when we break out a choice phrase or two. Wow, they seem to say. How exotic. It is expected of us, and few of us have enough cojones to admit that...we're just not that interesting.

Note: I have heard "cojones," which means "testicles", botched by at least two such Latinos in public, as "cajones," which means "boxes." Our lame Spanish can, at the very least, amuse; but it cannot get you votes in Texas.

The sad truth is: Most of us Latinos are not exotic at all, even if we look exotic to you and others. Most of us are just like everyone else, with the difference being that many of us want everyone else to think we're exotic because it gives us an identity that connects us to each other. It's....well, it's the Rey's New Ropa. Or somethin'.

The minute the Obama campaign figures out the PPD - The Pathetic Pocho Dynamic - at work in our communities (and especially in border states like Texas), the better able they will be to actually reach Latinos in America.