The right-wing "outrage" and "discussion" about Michelle Obama's patriotism would be utterly laughable if so many people, including the urban-mythical "liberal" media, weren't actually treating it like it was an important topic of discussion. On FOX and in some of the comments to our newest blockbuster video, FOX ATTACKS! Michelle Obama (216,000 views and 32,750 petition signatures in less than 24 hours!), the right sees themselves as CSI agents who have unraveled the Mystery of the Unpatriotic Candidate's Wife. Because of two misinterpreted and overanalyzed statements, Michelle Obama has been "exposed," her "true identity" revealed! She isn't proud of America! She seems "bitter"! She's actually a Marxist black supremacist sleeper agent bent on destroying and enslaving white America! She must be stopped!

Seriously. This is what many Republicans seem to believe. And they're very proud of themselves for figuring it out.

If there were a movie about a fiendish terrorist plot to destroy America through an overly critical Black Panther disguised as a presidential candidate's wife, it would tank even if it was a Bourne sequel.

"Good work, Agent Hannity! You've caught that Marxist Black Panther terrorist first lady before she had a chance to destroy America with her negative outlook on things! We'll make sure she's imprisoned indefinitely without charge and tortured as a monument to how proud you are of your country."

It's quite possibly the stupidest idea I've ever heard, yet it's one of the main Republican strategies for winning the presidency. And the nightmare scenario of Michelle Obama as first lady is apparently keeping Republicans up at night. Maybe the right thinks it's so "strong on terror" because they are able to conduct their daily lives while simultaneously being terrified of gays, Mexicans, liberals, terrorists, age-appropriate sex education, rappers, Muslims, the sanctity of their marriages, secularism, video games, revealing clothing, naked statues, TV shows, Janet Jackson's boob, sexy advertising, driving in smaller cars, Iran, France, San Francisco, brown people, black people, and black presidential candidates and their wives. With a list like that, you can see why they're so scared — they're waging multiple World Wars of terror in their heads every day.

On FOX, one is virtually forbidden from uttering the syllables "Michelle Obama" without also saying the words "said," "America," "not proud of her country," and "is downright mean." After all, FOX viewers must be constantly reminded of the unpatriotic menace that lurks just months from the White House. It's as if two comments say everything in the world there is to know about Michelle Obama. Indeed this is what most of her critics seem to believe.

Of course, they ignore, defend, or cry "out of context!" to John McCain's repeated statement that he "didn't really love America" until he was a POW. Curious how the "liberal" media hasn't used McCain's nearly identical sentiments to completely rebut the right's obsession with Michelle Obama's comments, but to quote the great documentarian Errol Morris, what fun would life be if it was devoid of irony?

Have you ever ended a friendship or relationship because you suspected that a person was not proud enough of America? Did you ever walk out of a dinner party in indignation because someone at the table dared to say that they thought that America has not been compassionate enough as more Americans struggle to get by? Would you excommunicate every cousin, uncle, coworker or neighbor who declined to wear a flag pin?

I was once accused of hating America by a guy at a poker party. Normally I just laugh it off when I hear a focus-group tested right-wing talking point repeated to me verbatim as though it were an original observation, but I was bothered by this and wasn't going to let it slide. Because this person thought that because he had heard me be critical one evening about some actions supposedly done in my name by the US government, that I "hate America," despite knowing nothing else about me, my family, and my experiences with this country. I'm not going to get into my whole life story, but as the son of a father who came to the US for education and a mother who came to flee an autocratic government that wished her family harm, I can safely say that I have an appreciation for this country that most Americans can hardly fathom.

But that doesn't stop me from loudly criticizing all of the things that I think are wrong with this country and its government that is supposed to be representing me. Republicans claim that we should spend every day in a blissful patriotic nirvana, experiencing waves of red, white, and blue ecstasy as we recount the tales of how America eventually helped defeat the Nazis, won the Cold War, and decapitated Saddam Hussein. Point out any historically accepted fact that might shatter this reverie and you hate America (slavery, Native American genocide, Japanese internment — I'm looking at you).  

But who do you love most in the world? Probably your family. Now who has the capacity to bother and anger you most in the world? Hmmm. So does that mean that you hate your family?

Have you ever been proud of a car, pet, property, or person and still found endless faults with it that you'd like to change? Are you comfortable with your body but still want to exercise more? If you had a friend who lied, stole, was addicted to some sort of petroleum-based drug, and was murderously violent, how much time would you spend happily dwelling on his past charitable work? Are you friends with nice people who have done mean things and enemies with mean people who have done good things? Has a parent, teacher, or coach ever criticized you endlessly and been sparing with compliments in an attempt to make you better at something?

America and Americans have done many wonderful things now and throughout history. But I don't sit around all day beating off about it.

You know why? Because doing good things some of the time does not mean that you are perfect and beyond criticism all of the time. Because I, like most Americans, am upset about the state of this country and the direction it's being dragged into, and I want it to be better than it currently is. I want to fix what's wrong with this country instead of just appreciating what's right about it. You can't make something better unless you are willing to identify what needs improvement. If you aren't identifying what's wrong with your country and trying to fix those things, you aren't truly being responsible for it. Just because something was great in the past does not mean that it will always be that way. And if you actually believe that Americans cannot make this country a better example to the world of how a free, just, democratic country acts, you are the one that truly does not love America.

Do you know why I don't sit around all day basking in the glory of America? Because I have shit to do and I expect America to be glorious. After all, the blueprint for how to be a great country has existed since this nation was created. I don't get all giddy when something simply does what it's supposed to do. That's like becoming rapturously joyful because the pizza guy delivers a pizza — that's what he's supposed to do. But if the pizza guy runs over several kids on the way to my house, I won't let it slide just because the pizza's hot. There's room for improvement there.    

I, like Michelle Obama, am not a Republican who can sum up my feelings about this country with black and white absolutes and only fawning superlatives. I have been proud of my country and ashamed of my country. I have watched it hurt people and help people, including me. I have felt optimistic and pessimistic about my country. I have cheered it and cursed it. I have loved it and hated it.

And I don't think that disqualifies me or Michelle Obama from being anything.